Chapter 2: Conquering Fears


"It is abundantly evident that belief in God is often destructively dogmatic. Is the problem, then, that humans tend to believe in God, or is the
problem that humans tend to be dogmatic?"
--Scott Peck, MD


Most of us, struggle with fear, whether we have a disease or not. Overcoming our fears is a challenge we all have in common and can experience in our everyday lives. Fear can be a healthy deterrent to possible danger, but it can and often does prevent us from living out our dreams today. We waste energy worrying about what dangers tomorrow may bring.

Knowing the unpredictable nature of this disease, I had a choice to live in fear and unhappiness, or to release the fear and take a leap of faith, every day hoping for a smile and yet one more day of sunshine. I didn't want to take one more day for granted. Living in the moment, as presently as possible became very important to me. This not only helped to ground me in the present, but also helped me to tune into my true self. I began to ask myself what my desires were. Am I fulfilled? Why or why not? What am I truly afraid of?

There are many lessons to be learned during our lifetime. But putting our fears into perspective is one we can learn together with compassion, patience, determination and love. Our ability to conquer any obstacle is not only dependent upon wisdom and an awareness of the problem, but also love. Wisdom is the union of knowledge and intuition. Love is unconditional and compassionate. It was love and wisdom that I needed to foster in myself.

We fear the unpredictable nature of painful situations, such as disease. Learning from our past experiences is important; they often serve us in a healthy way to be cautious about future decisions. But there is an enormous difference between learning from the past while moving on with our lives, and dwelling in the past as if we are reliving it every day. The former, with forgiveness and compassion empowers us; the latter keeps us frozen in time. This not only sabotages our chances of living happily in the present moment, but it also prevents us from freely dreaming about our future. At best we settle for familiarity, at worst we become paralyzed emotionally, unable to authentically enjoy life.

My lesson and challenge was to find happiness in the present despite uncertain and unsettling circumstances. Without living fully present, a joyful and fulfilling future will not easily manifest. Think about it. What is the future really; more present moments. So if we keep waiting for tomorrow to bring us happiness, we may never get to experience it first hand. Reality is now. One thing that I have learned and will never take for granted again is that no one, not even the healthiest person alive, ever knows what tomorrow will bring. The courage to deal with this unpredictability comes from a relationship with a higher power and an awareness of my own divinity ­and thus the capacity to overcome.

Someone close to me once reminded me, "You may be diagnosed today with a disease, but someone healthy may die tomorrow in an accident".

That is life, and as she also reminded me, "Life isn't fair.", a sobering, ultimately liberating realization.

For the first time, I truly heard those words as a fact. Her statement was blunt and to the point. The good girl behavior doesn't ensure an easy life. It never had. Who ever made me think that life was supposed to be fair? All I had to do was look around. The truth is bad things happen to good people all the time. I was no different. I had to confront the reality that difficult times may lay ahead. It takes courage and conviction to continue on without a road map, without guarantees. It is up to each one of us to nurture that courage and develop the wisdom within ourselves so that we can enjoy both the highs and continue to grow in spite of the lows. At the beginning of my healing process, this was hard to accept.

My fears and anxieties were brought to the surface when I learned how potentially devastating and unpredictable MS can be. If the lesson to be learned was to conquer the fear of the unknown, a disease like MS is certainly a challenging one to do it with. It can attack any area of the central nervous system at anytime, without notice, and symptoms may linger for a time, forever, or simply disappear. Did I have fears? That's an understatement. As long as I was awake questions loomed in my mind and consumed me at times.

What is MS? What are the symptoms? How is it diagnosed? How will it affect me? How is it treated? What will happen to me? Will I be in a wheelchair? Can I still have children? Will I lose my ability to walk, talk, or see? Will I ever be happy again? People will pity me. No one will find me attractive anymore.

I began feeling less of a woman, afraid of becoming a burden to others. I thought I would never be the same. I was right. I would never be the same again. Little did I know a sense of peace and wholeness was to come my way, and my perspective of the world and myself would change drastically for the better.

Ironically, a disease that could have limited my perspectives on life, instead opened doors to a new loving and fulfilling reality. I have been blessed with loving and deeply spiritual relationships and a sense of self that seems to grow deeper every day. Some people have come to stay and others have left their foot prints on my heart. Rumi wrote, "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." Looking back, some of my most important lessons were learned through hardship. But through those difficult times I had support from dear friends and unending love from my family. With every person who crosses my path, I now see an opportunity to grow, as I am offered yet another perspective on life.

I try to relate to people with reverence. The more I discover about myself, the better I understand other people and vice versa. It is not the quality of the relationship so much as the dynamics of it that give us the opportunity to keep growing. As I mature I have found that life is less and less black and white. It is instead a wondrous existence with a vibrancy of colors that will take a lifetime to understand; a rich and complex experience that's forever unfolding in front of our very eyes. It's up to us to consciously be open to receiving what and who is before us.

"A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become and still gently invites you to grow." A quote I once read on a bathroom wall. My invitations to grow haven't always been so gentle, but I cherish them none-the-less. While my friends support and encourage me, my family inspires me.

There is never a dull moment in my life. I have a mother and an aunt who aside from being my right arm in helping me clean my home, are a source of laughter in my life. I will forever cherish their crazy stories of hometown characters back in Portugal. My husband Dennis is my rock, my safe haven and an endless comedic presence. He gives me plenty of ammunition to laugh with without even trying.

I have found that it is possible to laugh through the tears. They are both a cleansing and cathartic experience. My son Matthew and my nieces Sidney and Ashley are reminders of the innocence of childhood. They are my role models for living in the moment. My sister is quietly a consistent source of support and strength. And of course my father, who has also shown me first hand what it is like to struggle in life and continues to press ahead, in spite of the pain. This is my family, resilient passionate people. They have all played a part in shaping the person that I am today in meaningful ways. That is why I value every new encounter that comes into my life. It is another chance to learn from someone else.

What a deeply fulfilling experience it is to meet someone for the first time and feel at that moment that you have known them for a lifetime. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. The experience of instantly feeling a bond, the very moment of being at one with another's soul is surreal and perfect. Time seems to stop, yet simultaneously there is a sense that you've been together for a millennium. I have had moments such as these and treasure each of them for their life affirming power.

This feeling reminds me of a lazy hot summer day. The grass is dry, the air is arid and you find yourself parched. Suddenly someone approaches and offers you an ice cold glass of lemonade. A gentle breeze blows by. Your eyes widen, your heart races, you feel joy running through you as you swallow the cool refreshing fluid. It's perfect and your every desire seems satiated in that moment. I can't imagine life without these moments, these glimpses of heaven.