Listening To MS

Chapter 4: Finding Meaning

Dr. Frankl, was a psychiatrist who was captured by the Nazi's and spent years in Auschwitz. In addition to bearing our cross he reminds us that the cross or the suffering itself must be unavoidable. Martyrdom is not the goal but we must find meaning in unavoidable suffering. Dr. Frankl encourages us to live and to fight for happiness and joy. He tells us to search for answers to our problems, to try our hardest to minimize our suffering. Suffering according to Dr. Frankl is a part of life, one which can never be completely eliminated.

His philosophy mirrors my own belief system. This perspective on life gives me hope that there is meaning in unavoidable suffering. Depression for example, is a state of mind, that if severe enough can lead someone to commit suicide. But only a few of those who are depressed actually commit suicide. What sets them apart from all the rest? You may believe that it is the intensity of the depression. It is not. Studies have been done that refute what would seem to be a logical conclusion.

Depression is avoidable, especially in recent years with so many choices in medication and psychotherapy, as well as alternative medicine. Depression can be alleviated if not eliminated. This is not to say that sadness, as a reaction to an event needs to be eliminated or suppressed. Sadness and or situational depression are a natural part of the grieving process, but chronic depression is not.

Research suggests that there may be a hereditary link to depression. This may be true, but I wonder how much more of an impact environmental factors have on increasing the chances that depression will actually develop. An individual may be genetically predisposed, but this does not guarantee that depression will develop in the course of someone's lifetime. Although we may be genetically predisposed to behaviors or diseases, the fact that we exhibit these behaviors is only part nature. Nurture also plays a large role in the type of person we become or a disease that we develop. By nurture I am referring to a larger umbrella that encompasses society as a whole and the physical environment we live in and ultimately our own responsibility for our actions.

There are millions of Americans with depression. Some of them prominent people who have had the courage to bring depression into the light, people like Betty Ford, Barbara Bush, and Mike Wallace to name a few. Their courage has helped people realize that depression is not a weakness in character. It is not something to be ashamed of and deny. Depression can be treated with professional help and loving support from family and friends. Our basic understanding of mental health and especially depression needs to improve and become more compassionate.

I have personally felt depressed at certain times in my life. Today I monitor my emotions and try to distinguish normal sadness that is a result of difficult circumstances, from sadness that seems to have no reason, or is disproportionate to the underlying cause. When depression sets in, happiness seems impossible to experience and imagine. Even food loses its taste. Nothing seems to captivate your attention. You feel hollow and empty. I don't want my child or my family to be exposed to this kind of experience. It is important that my child be exposed to a variety of emotions, but I don't want him to be surrounded by gloom.

In my opinion, depression is not an emotional state, as much as it is a lack of emotion. For me it almost seems to be a defense mechanism. A sensory overload almost, with regards to emotions, especially anger and pain. I noticed what I was really doing was shutting myself down, becoming apathetic, in order to prevent feeling anymore pain and frustration. For me depression is a state of mind and becomes a way of being if left untreated. This suppression of emotion eventually leads to depression and depression as you will later see can express itself in many ways when not dealt with. Sadness on the other hand is a feeling, a reaction to a circumstance. It has a reason and resolves itself in time.

There is a process of healing that one experiences, as is explained in some of the models of grief. For example, there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There are other models, but this is one of the most common that therapists refer to. Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis was a frightening experience for me. However, what is crucial is how I react in the face of tragedy. It is imperative that I grieve as efficiently as possible. Not as quickly as possible but efficiently as possible, because there is a fine line between sadness and depression and I don't want to waste my life in a state of mind that brings no healing and no happiness. Depression, for me was the most difficult of all of these steps to get through.

There are tools I have found over the years that have helped me avoid depression or at least lesson its severity. Exercise, eating healthy and sleeping well are habits I try to incorporate into my life. Surrounding myself with good friends and a positive atmosphere is also something I try hard to maintain. Good communication is key since issues that are suppressed will fester and eventually express themselves physically or emotionally in a negative way. Spirituality is also an integral part of who I am and gives me meaning and purpose in my life. I believe that we are part of something much larger than ourselves. That we are all connected spiritually on some level. I believe in a higher power--a universal loving presence. This feeling of connection to divinity sustains and encourages me.

I have been able to find meaning in my suffering. I see it as my cross that I have to bear, but only when it is unavoidable. I have no interest in being a martyr. I am interested in being happy and bringing that happiness to others. My goal is to seek joy in my life, live as authentically as possible, embrace all of my emotions, without allowing myself to sink into what feels to me to be a needless and useless depression.

When I have tried exercise and meditation and other holistic interventions that I feel are credible, and am still depressed, then I turn to psychotherapy and if needed, medication, to help me get over the depression. Life is too short and too valuable to be living it behind a veil of gloom. With the help of an excellent therapist and the occasional use of antidepressants, I was able to see that joy is possible and very real.

When one has been depressed for long periods of time, there's a tendency to forget what joy feels like, let alone that it is possible. Hope, faith, support and a sense of meaning and purpose, despite the hardships; perhaps this is the antidote to severe depression and may be what sets those who choose life, apart from those who have given up. These individuals were unable to see meaning in their life, and therefore lack a sense of purpose. At a certain point in our path to spiritual enlightenment, we realize that it is enough to be. But for many of us, these are difficult concepts to integrate into our daily lives. Although our spirit is our true nature, the ego is a part of our humanity. Having the ego self to contend with, finding meaning is a necessary part of a fulfilling life.