Listening To MS

Chapter 5: Surrendering

I believe our purpose in this world, above all else, is to heal ourselves and to love one another. At times we'll be in a position to offer support to others and at times to receive it. In all aspects of life, balance is the key. By allowing people to help me, I gave myself an opportunity to heal, as well as affording them the opportunity to give. Relationships grow deeper with this loving exchange. Letting go of pride, and allowing love to enter our hearts, we learn to receive graciously. When you experience receiving openly, your generosity will also come from a place of love versus a place of egoic satisfaction. It becomes a loving exchange instead of an obligation to one another, with no room for resentment.

There is a level of discomfort that many experience when asking for help. Will I look weak? Am I weak? Will others see me as dependent? These questions came up for me often. It's unfortunate that in our culture we feel guilty and inadequate when asking for or accepting assistance. Our society in this country especially, values independence more so than other attributes.

Beginning in 1776 when we declared independence from England and have proudly valued this quality in our lives ever since. More recently, the feminist movement of the sixties and seventies made it possible for women to take pride in proving to the world that we could be self-sufficient and strong. Our self-esteem as women has grown and deepened because of it. Women of today are indebted to those brave and committed women that have given us independence and freedom.

Although there are areas where women are still not seen as equals by some, we have come a long way. In fact, I venture to say that we have taken on more burden and responsibilities than is healthy or necessary. Before the sexual revolution, women as we know, were housewives. They didn't have a choice to do anything else. Now many women hold competitive full time jobs, are married, have several children, etc. etc. It seems the pendulum swung from one extreme to the other. It is now time for the pendulum to come to center. In our struggle to prove that we are are capable of being financially independent, we have overburdened ourselves with exhausting reponsibilities. Let us remember, balance is the key. Men are not exempt from this prideful independence. They have had many more years of practice, letting pride get in the way of relationships and growth, intimate or otherwise. It's now time for us to come together and heal these relationships together.

The Buddhist's philosophy is a gentle one, but even Buddhism offers us a parable that speaks of how difficult change can be. When a tree is growing crooked, one must bend it in the extreme opposite direction for a time before it is allowed to come back to center. Our tree has felt both extremes and is now able to grow straight. So the lessons that we learn as individuals or as a society are often at extremes, but the goal should always be to bring ourselves back to center. As women we had to prove our capabilities so that we could establish our own power and respect. Now that we have succefully proven that we can do it all--- we can choose not to. Men and women have opened the door to healthier possibilities for loving and caring relationships, by being there for one another, as equals. It is a more pleasureable experience to be able to share our lives with one anther than it is to isolate ourselves. We are independent and choose to share in love and responsibility from a place of wisdom and power, not dependency.

Many of us fear dependency. When I feared that I may become dependent due to MS, I was very fortunate to have a therapist who taught me the difference between dependency and help. We all need help from time to time. In my professional studies however, I have met a few colleagues who believe that all patients benefit in some way from their illness. It is their belief that some patients with chronic diseases choose to become dependent and go on to develop co-dependent relationships. In my view, this co-dependency has less to do with the disease than it does with the personality of the individual in question.

My own therapist was a cognitive/behaviorist who helped me to identify unfounded and unrealistic fears that I had. By bringing these issues to my awareness, I was able to transcend the vice grip that fear had on me. However she also helped me to understand that all of us, regardless of our circumstances benefit from the support of other people. The relationships become interdependent, a healthy give and take.

There will always be individuals who take advantage of any circumstance. In that case, benefiting from a situation isn't a result of having an illness, it is a pattern that exists for that particular individual for whatever reason. In my personal and professional experience, losing one's self-esteem and fear of losing one's independence is a more salient issue.

Ultimately I surrendered to God my guilt and lack of compassion for myself. When I sincerely evaluated my situation and realized that receiving help from others would be beneficial and acceptable, I became kinder to myself. Since those difficult times, I have had many opportunities to help others in return. It's part of the ebb and flow of life.