Chapter 11: Searching for a Sense of Purpose: A Disconnect from Spirit



"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."
--Henry Adams

We all need a mentor from time to time. Someone we admire, who is wise and can show us where to go when we lose our way. Often this person is in our lives and at times it's someone we have never met. One of my favorite books that embodies the meaning of the word spirit is Tuesdays With Morrie. Here we have a man who loses what is most valuable to a normal human existence. All of his physical abilities, voluntary and involuntary, are taken away from him day by day until the breath itself is stolen from him. How refreshing to look at life through the eyes of someone who is touching death and is able to clearly see what is truly important in living. We get so caught up with our busy lives of doing more, being better, getting richer, etc., that we lose our perspective. We need to look at what is most meaningful to a fulfilling life. It goes deeper than merely taking life for granted. The very sacredness of our human existence becomes invisible in our daily lives; which are cluttered with obligations, materialistic needs, and career ambitions. My understanding of Morrie's message is not that these needs and ambitions are unhealthy in and of themselves, but are toxic to our human spirit when they become our major focus.

It's unfortunate that for most of us it takes a disaster or serious illness to change our perspective. Maybe when we are face to face with death or a very real threat of death we don't have energy to think about or consider many other things. At these moments our focus of what is important changes to what is truly essential to our happiness, our comfort, and our ultimate purpose in life. Tragedy has a way of making us feel life, not just think about it. It brings us into the present moment. The present moment becomes inescapable. At the moment we accept uncertainty and surrender, we begin to see our true essence.

Certainly there are those who react by shutting down. The pain is too great and all feeling and emotion is suppressed. This lasts for a brief period of time. This is natural and part of the grieving process. In time this depression and anger subside. But for some it may last until the very last breath. A blanket of numbness stands in the way of these individuals from ever experiencing joy again.

Morrie seemed to be a grateful person even before his illness, a wonderful teacher and friend who captivated his students with wit and love. He chose to guide them gently and encouraged them to grow spiritually. Judgment and condemnation were not a part of his personality. Coercion was not his means to an end. Loving patience, great story telling and excellent listening skills were crucial components to his teaching style. Using his sociology class as a forum to discuss the meaning of life was his ultimate goal. Academics was the tool he used and the human capacity for a human being to live a joyful life was the lesson. What a privilege it must have been for the author to be touched by such an eloquent mentor. How appropriate that his final lesson plan was to be a compilation of his life's works, as well as current life observations.

Morrie reminds us over and over of the importance of relationships and love, all different kinds of love. It sounds so touchy feely. After all it's not love that pays the bills. But what is the point in paying bills without love? What will help us to endure the difficulties and disappointments of this world if we don't have love? I once heard someone say that we all need a witness to our life. A loving friendship affords us the opportunity to be acknowledged as a unique human being and it also gives us the priviledge of being a witness to someone else's life's journey.

One can make a pretty strong argument that having money versus not having it is a good thing. Not having to be concerned about how to pay the bills removes a lot of stress. However, wealth doesn't necessarily remove those concerns. For most of us the wealthier we are, the bigger the bills. Even if financial stress is removed and we are able to buy whatever we desire, vacation whenever we want, attaining the best of the best.....once we have satiated ourselves with things and more things and we have traveled to the ends of the earth, how fulfilling is this life without love, without companionship, without the validation and support that is the fruit of a loving relationship? We can be rich and happy but only if we have love in our life as well.

We can be happy and in love if we are poor. But we can't be happy and fulfilled without love. It is like trying to bake a cake without flour. One can add all the sugar in the world and lots of eggs and flavors of all kinds, but without the flour, without the attention, focus, warmth and patience, it is merely a mixture of ingredients that leaves us hungry and unfulfilled.

A friend of mine who I have known for many years is a successful physician. His patients and his research have always been his major focus. He is one of the most ambitious people I know. He has worked very hard to become well respected in his field on a national level. Well known medical journals have published his papers and he is an excellent clinician. However, because of his self-imposed demanding schedule he has very little time for relationships. He is lucky to have an understanding partner, but spends very little time with her. Stress is a constant factor in his life, as he is always worried about the next paper, the next grant. Sleeping through the night is nearly impossible and his working relationships are difficult.

In retrospect he has accomplished everything he had ever dreamed of and more. Graduating from an Ivy League medical school, at the top of his class; he completed his residency and fellowship at one of the nation's most prestigious hospitals. That's followed by a successful career, a million-dollar house, expensive cars and trips to exotic places, and yet he is unhappy. He confides in me how stressful and demanding his life is. What he doesn't realize is that it is self-imposed. All of his career accomplishments have not brought him happiness and love. He continues ambitiously searching for that next research paper, that next position that will bring him happiness and a sense of fulfillment. Fulfillment will not be found in more work, more accomplishments, more money, and more stress. Only after he places love above all else, as a basic foundation to life, will he truly be able to enjoy his accomplishments in their proper place. He has lost his perspective and only he can find it again.